watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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