I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Vodka?
Forever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
