i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
