I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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