well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
