I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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