Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
