last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
