I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
