Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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