im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
