I cannot find my penis.
even my farts smell like vagina
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
