please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
