Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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