cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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