trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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