Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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