before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
