Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
