I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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