I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize