Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
