Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize