opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
