she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
