Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
