my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
