Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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