it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
