I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
