Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
