but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize