i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
