I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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