Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
