I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
