your parents love me but you hate me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
