Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
