Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
