i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
