i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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