Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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