i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
