nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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