sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
