Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize