they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize