The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
