What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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