This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
