I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
