White coat. Heels.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also, beer. Big fan.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
