areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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