the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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