That's intense
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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