Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
