You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
