Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize