we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize